Inner Strength
Posted on: 21/12/2015
December 21, 2015. One year has gone since the day I let you go. Yes, I disposed you. It’s been an year since I decided to break free and simply live for myself. It would be hypocritical to say that I did not cry. I cried a lot. I cried for hours, days, months, until I decided I had to stop remembering all the pain you put me through. Some friends comforted and supported me. They made me feel special and loved. I caught myself laughing and smiling again. I decided to not touch my inner scars and cover it all with lots of makeup. But I was deeply wrong. In order to move on I had/have to go further and remove it all from its roots. I had to stop avoiding reality. What happen to me? Numerous times I blamed and doubt myself for not being the 100% I should be. But wait a minute, there is no such thing! I couldn’t and still can’t be 100% perfect. We learn that 2 is better then one. One doesn’t make the same difference than 2 people can do. And we make mistakes and learn to correct and not overdo them again. But I couldn’t see the other person at fault. In my conscious, I took all the blame. Why? Wasn’t my life enough burner already? Why would I keep blaming myself for other people’s mistake? Why carry all by myself? Even the smartest people can be blinded by their own heart. Oh, heart! Do I still have one? I’ve become bitter and love-frustrated. I decided to close my doors and not love anyone besides my family and some friends. Oh, heart! What a fool you made me! If I should not listened to you… It’s to late anyway. The spell can’t be undone. Initially I fought that I couldn’t pass the first day which by the way, I barely survived. Starvation was never an option, but suddenly it became part of the cycle: wake up, work, go to classes, sleep. Where was my focus? It was nowhere to be found. Who was I? A completely strange to myself. What was I doing? Killing myself slowly. Why? Apparently there was no reason to keep living without that person. Even though, my feelings were destroyed, I couldn’t deny my love. But was it love? Yes, for me it was. It was my purest feeling. I was extremely happy, or I thought I was. How can your heart be punched and knocked out like that? Specially by someone who promised you the sky with all the starts on it? I honestly don’t know how to reply to those questions. I was determined to give up everything in order to accommodate to the other party life style. But why should I downsize my dreams because someone is not willing to learn to compromise a little and live these wild and big dreams of mine? Why should I conform to that? Oh, poor heart, that was definitely not for me, and God knew it. How a fool I was. how did I let myself be biased by a stupid merchant? why people can deceive others like that? How can you behave so unstable yet pretend to be a model to others? A lot of lies mixed with wine. Eventually you get fed up with all the crap that surrounds you, and you just let it go for good. There are enough damage already to be repaired. Sometimes time is not even by your side and kills you with simple memories. It makes you realize that we are not made of steel. We get hurt by words and actions. Our health is a composition of social, mental and physical health. And when these components are not syncing, we need to take one or two steps back and reorganize and prioritize our goals. We cannot live by frustration or losses. The show must go on, that’s what people say right? I always told myself I would try to be the best in everything I would commit my words. But, unexpectedly, I was determined to live up to other’s rules. What was I thinking? Obviously I was not using my brain at all. My heart was guiding my life. Oh, heart! The one you should never trust due to its poorest decisions! But here I am on my last day of class which I never gave up. I’m graduating next semester, and today I see how strong I’ve become since last December 21. A lot has changed, a lot was left behind, but there is still a lot to overcome. I’ve learned that there is a inner strength in me, and I should never let the inner me be disappointed.
xoxo
JL 
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